Being the eldest among
eight children is a big responsibility. I need to be there for my brothers and
sisters; I was the first to understand our financial struggle (up until now); I
need to be a good listener to my mom; and I need to be a good example to my little
siblings. I will not complain that it is hard because it is not. I actually
quite enjoy being the eldest. I believe God wanted me to be the ‘Ate’ because He knew I could handle
it. He knew I was tough and responsible.
However, I am not always ‘tough’
and sometimes I can be very irresponsible. Thus, right now, I am both. I
am almost at my 30s and I do not know where to go from here. I have been very distracted
and unfaithful. I am no longer prayerful and I easily fall into temptation. I thought
I can be immune to this but I was too arrogant that I fell right back the
moment I lost sight of Jesus Christ. I thought to myself how stupid I could be
when I am being, well—“stupid”. How could I deny Jesus after all that He
has done for me? Am I on
freaking drugs that I totally forgot how peaceful my life was even when I was
struggling when I am with Jesus Christ? How can I be so, so, ‘STUPID’?
You know reader, if you are thinking that life with Christ is
perfect--you are wrong! As long as we
are living in this imperfect world, it will never be. Every day is a
battleground and if you are not a careful, the enemy (which is the devil) will
pounce at you any minute. That is why, as a Christian, the Holy Spirit must
fill us so He can help us when crisis appears. Also the heck a slap on my face
because I am tumbling down and I am letting the enemy prick me!
Therefore, how can I be so STUPID? It is easy to blame it on human nature but it is actually a
choice and I chose to be selfish and stupid. I know I probably used the word ‘stupid’
too many times but please pardon my language. The only word I can describe
myself right now is the word—‘stupid’. Stupid for not reading my Holy Bible
every day; ignoring the Holy Spirit most of the times; trying to do things my
way; playing mobile legends and SIMS instead of having my quiet time; and hating
myself for being too ‘STUPID’ to NOT go
back to my first love who is JESUS CHRIST.
Why am I writing this? I decided
to share this ‘stupid’ experience on my blog because I want to inspire my
fellow believer to ‘STOP’ making the
same mistake,
‘LOOK’ at Christ alone and ‘LISTEN’ to the Holy Spirit always. I am sincerely regretting my
actions because right now, I feel so empty and lost. No wonder people who do
not have Christ in their life always feel miserable. They do not have the same
support system that we have with Jesus and they do not experience the same
peace when we have Jesus.
Nonetheless, I praise God
for His love and mercy. I know He is waiting for me and I only need to let
Jesus take care of my heart. In truth, I do not deserve it. I am a failure in
so many ways. I have disappointed Jesus so many times. Yet, every time I open
up to Him and just surrender my utmost desires He welcomes me as if it is
always the first time.
My
Prayer:
My Dearest Father,
I do not
deserve you.
You are
Holy, Perfect, Merciful, Faithful and Beautiful.
Yet you
loved me anyway.
You loved
an ungrateful, selfish, sinful and stupid person such as I am.
I am a
prodigal daughter; I am a disappointment.
Forgive me,
Lord.
Please
forgive my wrongdoings.
I have failed you in so many ways.
Lord,
please do not give up on me.
Even when I
am being stupid, please do not give up on me.
I need you
Jesus every day, every minute and every second of my life.
I am
nothing without you; I am a mess without you.
Heal me
Lord and forgive me.
I praise
you LORD for your sacrificial LOVE.
I praise
you LORD because of JESUS.
I am Yours
God,
I am Yours.
Your
daughter
All rights reserved © Shiya Tamasao 2018
April 18, 2018
