After long years of being single, I finally said ‘yes’ to the person whom I was hoping
to be the first and last man I will ever love aside from Jesus Christ. When he
first courted me, I never really liked him. Eventually, I grew to love a weird, (somehow) funny, very
patient, loving and generous person. I was not really
looking for a rich man, I was more hoping to meet a man who was kind, unselfish
and has a wonderful relationship with Jesus Christ. He soon became
that man. I thought I was bless to meet someone like him. It was like a perfect
dream… or so I thought. I am still hoping and praying that somehow, he could be
the one but only God knows.
Where do I go from here?
On April 2, 2018, marked our first anniversary together and I was
fervently hoping for a surprise since we get to celebrate our very first
anniversary as a couple. Unfortunately, there was no surprise only normal date like
the one we usually had when he visits me. As for me, I prepared something very
special for him. It was not much but it is the thought that counts. When I handed
him his gift, I knew he was not able to prepare something for me. I tried to
understand because I love him. I thought maybe, just maybe—he forgot or he was
just busy. I tried to be supportive as
much as I can. When he does not update me, I always try to understand. When he
talks about the future, he used to include me as a part of it. In time, it was
all about his career and the things he wants to buy. He never mentioned about marriage
anymore and I felt like a desperate woman wanting to get notice.
It felt like I was least in his priorities. Nonetheless, I did not want to be
selfish or desperate so I supported his desire of financial stability first
before marriage.
Then I started to wonder, how long am I going to
wait for this ‘stability’ when I see married couples who still are not stable
even after marriage? How much longer am I willing to wait not to mention that I
am almost at my thirties? I want to understand that maybe it is not the right
time but I could not understand why he is so busy in his work that he does not
include the prospect of getting married eventually. He does not talk about it; he does not talk about ‘us’ anymore.
Everything was all about ‘HIM’ nowadays. He was use of me being there that
he does not care if I was glad or not. He was becoming ‘selfish’ and it was
hurting me. He was hurting me. I prayed for a ‘courtship’ to ‘marriage’ relationship
(God’s design in the Bible). Thereby, I am alarmed to realize that we have
stopped by and stuck into ‘dating’. I am also at
fault for letting this happen. Therefore, I am partly to blame. I should have
waited, I should have listened and I should have been patient.
Soon, I was not happy anymore. Sure, he treats me,
we go on a date and he buys me stuff but it did not make me cheerful. I felt this
huge space between us that I could not fathom. It was like a vast difference of
perspective. One thing struck me though—‘I was ready and he was not’.
‘Cooling off’
April 23, 2018
