I see the sky so blue,
Suddenly a dark cloud appeared.
I thought it was going to rain,
But the sun came and shun upon me.
-Jonjay Damz
I want to inspire others as much as I can. I want to help the poor and love the unlovable. I want to be able to do great and wonderful things for Jesus. Sad to say it's not that easy.
I sometimes ask myself, "How can I help the poor if I myself is in scarcity?" or "How can I inspire others if I am not inspired?"
Where do I draw my strength in times of troubles and madness?
How do I make it through the day without having to deal with such problems?
They say life is easy but sometimes, it can be extremely DIFFICULT.
●I WANT TO BE HAPPY
I remember the time when I had my 21st birthday. There was no celebration at all. My family was in such financial crisis during that time that I had to cancel classes that day. It was morning and just to lighten up the mood, I decided to intoxicate myself just to see what happens if I get drunk. The liquor was already available, my dad bought it last month for his friends. I never thought how it was like to have a hung over until that very moment. Yes, I got drunk and I remember everything.
I was crying, I was very emotional, I puked everywhere and I told everyone that "I want to be happy" over and over until I blacked out.
I am very introvert and secretive but when I got drunk, I blurt out everything I wanted to say. My parents were shocked especially my dad. He never thought I could say something unpleasant about him. My exact words were, "I hate you."
I said so many things prior to that but I'd spare the long details. I am not proud of what I did. As a matter of fact, I felt shame and guilt when I had to say all those unpleasant complaints in front of my parents, brothers and sisters.
That was the first and last time I drank alcohol.
1. Getting drunk does not solve any problem, it will only shame you.
2. Always be sober to avoid shameful actions.
3. Pray always. God listens and He provides.
●BAD HABITS
Many times I struggled to diminish this particular bad habit of mine and many times I failed. I thought maybe the temptation to do it was too strong that I just can't resist it.
Even as a Christian, I still fall at certain times. But I am very thankful to God for giving me His good grace. However, we must not take grace for granted because it is not an excuse to keep sinning. As believers, the greatest enemy that we have yet to fully surrender every day is our pride because being self-righteous is not Christ like.
●SAD MEMORIES
Sometimes, I want to recreate the bad memories I had when I was a child. I was aware of the reason I was not outspoken. Most of the reason has something to do with my past. Yes, I was abused and taken advantage of. My insecurities came way deeper of rejection and regrets. It can be very suffocating that the only voice I hear inside was, "Don't trust anyone. They will hurt you. Don't speak about anything, they will surely judge you."
Sometimes I wondered if life will ever change from worse to better. Because the last time I checked I was still in the same rotten page as before. I tried to think about happy thoughts but I couldn't. I kept all the dark secrets, pain and regrets inside a small box.
●SELFISH HEART
A vain and unloving attitude can be a problem to all of us. No one is exempted. When we start to value our own life than others, that's when we become selfish and superbly egotistic. This can be a struggle to everyone. Even as a Christian, I sometimes can be very selfish toward my fellow brethren.
It's not that I want to be selfish, it's basically human nature which is not good. No wonder we have to focus our sight in Jesus Christ because the world is a selfish and prideful place and only God can fill that emptiness that we experience everyday.
It's not that I want to be selfish, it's basically human nature which is not good. No wonder we have to focus our sight in Jesus Christ because the world is a selfish and prideful place and only God can fill that emptiness that we experience everyday.
I believe life is unfair and it is not perfect. I believe that giving up and blaming others are not the solution to this messy set-up we call "LIFE." I sometimes wonder if there will ever be an end to such sufferings? It's difficult, it's tiring and it's very confusing to think that we can survive on our own. When I was young and stupid, I thought that money and fame can solve my family's financial problem. I was wrong because life is not only limited to wealth and fame.
I believe that as long as I live in this imperfect world, there will always be unexpected plights. But I must not be moved or shaken. I have a big God and He is faithful. His perfect love cannot be overcome by the devil. Death has been overcome 2000 years ago, on the cross. What matters is I pursue God's agenda. My faith must not be hindered by my will, my ambitions, my selfishness, my pride, my bad habits and ultimately, my past.
I know for a fact that I am redeemed. I must hold on to the truth and promise of my Lord and Savior. If I let all those misery haunt me, I will never be free. And that is exactly what the devil wants from all of us. It wants us to be in prison of our profane thoughts because it doesn't want us coming to Christ. We must let go of any baggages and let Jesus Christ be the center of our thoughts, hearts and mind.
I believe it will never be easy, as a matter of fact it is impossible. However, I encourage everyone to pursue God's plan and never let go of His promises. We can still minister and help others despite the toils and tribulations because at the end of the day, it was never about us in the first place.
It's always about Jesus Christ.
All rights reserved © Shiya Tamasao 2015
October 23, 2015
