Okay, so let me just take a breather because exposing my
obsession is very personal. But I decided to stop keeping dark secrets and just
uncover everything because I believe it will not only lighten the load but it
will also help me recover big time!
Now, where to start? This is going to be a heck of an
article but if you’re willing to keep up than just read on, Reader!
Let’s begin!
Like any other fairytale, we’ll start with this phrase…Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved
food. As a matter of fact, she not only loved food but she loved to cook too. So,
during her elementary days, she kept on eating five times a day. Like Breakfast-snack-lunch-snack and dinner kinda’ thing. Unfortunately, on her first year of high school,
she was fat and by Filipino description of ‘FAT’, it simply means ‘chubbiness’ in all the right places. Nonetheless, people were
very judgmental and most of her classmates were rail thin. So, everyone was
furious and probably stupid at the same time.
One faithful day, her teacher who happened to be a matured man
and a Christian (as he claimed to be) heartlessly commented, “She
looks like a PIG!”
The pain she felt upon hearing those words brought her
confusion, humiliation, hatred, discouragement and suffering for fourteen
years. ‘Never again!’ she comforted herself but the very words were etched in
her heart already.
 |
| 25 years old. |
Ohhh-kay, enough
with the third person dialogue!
So began my road to ‘perfection’ and being perfect in my
mind, I had to be slim-thin and fabulous all the time. Indeed, I was ready to resort
in all sorts of diet which eventually lead to serious eating disorders that
lasted for fourteen years. It was a nightmare, I tell you. On my second year in
high school, I developed anorexia nervosa. An eating disorder that makes you
avert from eating food. Yup, I became thin alright but the effect was subtle
yet dangerous. I always had shortness of breath even when I’m just walking, I
was getting bald, my skin was dry and flaky, my breath was so bad, I got
terrible headaches and stomach aches; and lastly, my menstruation wasn’t
normal. I often got my period once every two or three months.
 |
| 26 years old. |
It wasn’t long before my family took notice of my crazy
diet or better yet—crazy suicide mission. In truth, I wasn’t aware that I was
already doing self-harm until I saw this documentary on the television
regarding ‘Anorexia
Nervosa’. I believe God made me watch that documentary for a reason. Momentarily,
I stopped my diet and started eating again. The taste of food for the first
time after a year made me happy. But my fear of getting ‘FAT’ never
left me. After a month of eating right, I gained two times more and it alarmed
me. I started the ‘starving game’ once more that eventually led to ‘Bulimia’, the binge and purge eating disorder. This time, my
kidney, throat, teeth and stomach was now in danger. And I wasn’t stopping
until I saw results that I was getting leaner or thinner. It lasted for ten
years until my twenty-sixth birthday. Personally, the satisfaction I get from
all the compliments made me want to continue my foolish obsession of being
thin. Yet, it never made me happy. I was in so much pain and I couldn’t tell
anyone because I was afraid that they will misjudge me and call me ‘crazy’. I
kept the suffering hidden until one faithful day, a special Godly friend came
to offer her listening skills. She listened and told me that our identity is found
in Christ alone and not in the approval of others because ‘people will always
fail you but God never will’.
This deep realization came to me—Who am I? What on earth am
I here for? As I grew closer to Christ, I found out that my life on earth is
temporary. I am here for a special purpose and that is to love God and to love
others. I was dying of thirst but God’s word put me back together.
 |
| Currently at 28 years old. |
As of this moment, I believe I’m no longer that kind of
person who seeks approval from others. My days of mourning and extreme diets
are over. I learned to accept and love the body God has wonderfully given me.
Although, those extreme unhealthy habits cost me temporary hair loss, abnormal
menstrual cycle and slower metabolism, I believe God is a God of miracles and
healing.
I can be healthy in God’s way. Right now, I am doing my
best to eat healthier. I know I need also to exercise. Today and for the days
to come, I will not be doing this for the sake of looking good for other
people. I am doing this for my health and most importantly for God’s glory.
All rights reserved © Shiya Tamasao 2017
September 26, 2017
