Finding Purpose Amidst the Pain

There is no one worthy of praise, no one mightier than You. 

You lift me up when I am down, You guide me through and through. 

Your level of awesomeness exceeds above all things,

I believe you're more than enough for me. 

Jesus, you're all I need. 

-Jonjay Damz

Letting God in charge of my life did not just happen in a snap. There were struggles, hopelessness, and problems involved. I once rebelled, hated and blamed Him for my problems. I was so blinded by Satan's deception that I never realized that the he was behind my fears and disappointments. 

However, knowing God's amazing love made me even closer to His unfailing grace. No matter how far and how lost I was, I could not believe I found my way back to Him.

A Gift Longed Forgotten

Raised by a Christian family, I was well aware of the Bible. Memorizing verses and reading His word was a delightful time for me as a child. I was a good daughter. I prayed everyday, I asked God everything that my heart desires and the Lord was generous enough to provide my every need.

But it wasn't perfect. My father for one thing, is not fond of going to church every Sunday or sharing the gospel to us children. My mom however was our light to God and faithfulness. She introduced God's amazing love and was blissful enough to share the gospel as well.

I distinctly remember the time when I dreamed of becoming a missionary. I was a child back then and the excitement of having to share God's word to those who are lost brought me this amazing joy. How I wished that I was the same as before but so many things changed since then.

My aspiration of becoming a missionary diminished as I grew into a teenager. Influenced by the world and by my peers I forgot about God. I decided to go on a different path. Some way that doesn't concern anyone but myself. Yes, I became selfish and I was not proud of it.

I knew deep inside that I need to seek God or go crazy for the rest of my life.

But how can someone understand the stillness of his unfathomable love if one does not even believe in Him?

I tell you reader, I am a living testimony of God's amazing love. And yes, there also came a point that I doubted the Lord. I doubted His love and His promises. I became selfish, a know-it-all, mean, arrogant and a fool. Yes, I tried living my life without Him in it. I completely ignored His call and I hated Him for all my disappointments. For a moment, I became an atheist. I lived a life of sin. I went out with my worldly friends, homosexuality was no longer a concern, sex before marriage became an option and I enjoyed every night out parties (tried drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes). I was clearly rebelling. I even loathed my family and wished that I was never been born. Finally, I even planned to end my life.

Every night was a torture. I felt so unloved and anger filled my soul. Morbid and lustful thoughts ruled my mind. I was completely lost. I told myself, why?  Why am I so physically and emotionally drained? I can feel my heart and soul diminishing by the constant problems that had been occurring. Yet I kept my heart calloused upon God's calling.

One faithful night, I woke up feeling worse than before. I felt so scared for the first time. I was afraid of what might come next if I don't stop my profane thoughts and habits. I realized that I need to put my life in order if I want to be happy. But how? 

That's when God took over.

Blessed Are Those Who Do Not See But Still Believe

Being like a fugitive in my own prison was not easy. I had to weigh down every expectation that my parents want of me since I'm the eldest among eight children. My younger brothers and sisters know nothing about my profane habits, I kept it hidden as long as I could. But God knew exactly what's going on.

Even so, I remained untamed. He called me but I dared not listen to Him. At first I thought it was because of my pride, but it was more of my fear. I was afraid of His judgement. Afraid of what might happen if  ever I repent and do the same wild actions again and again.

I have kept my faith but when disappointments transcends, I easily forgot about Him.  I knew deep inside I need to go back for my guilt was putting me to shame. I then reminisced the delightful moments of my youth. When I used to trust Him 100% despite the hardships, when I used to pray and talk to Him all night and when I used to love Him more than anything.

What ever happened to that child?

In truth, I did not know. Perhaps the world had corrupted me to be sinful and worldly, perhaps I let "pride" get in the way between me and God, perhaps I was so eager to believe that He was the source of my plights and perhaps I made a choice and I did not choose Him?

Feeling empty inside, I took my Bible and read a couple of verses in the Book of Matthew and John. Upon reading the gospel, tears fell on my cheeks. I thought that by becoming an atheist, I can still live life with good morals. Yet I became immoral in thoughts and in action. This time, I heard His voice loud and clear, telling me,"My child, come back to me. I am waiting for you. Always waiting for you."

I felt His arms embracing me as I cried intensely on my bed. What have I done? I asked myself a thousand times. No amount of tears or words can explain how the Lord welcomed me again in his good grace. I knew from that moment I am home and safe again in His arms. I was free. Free from all the burdens that had long haunted me.

 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

-2 Corinthians 12:9

A Promising Love

To finally decide to surrender my all to God and have a personal relationship with Him was even more challenging. Many times have my faith been tested by unavoidable painful circumstances. I was mocked, discriminated, tortured emotionally and unjustly persecuted by Christian and non-Christian alike. I realized that when I was enjoying the worldly approached and actions of my so-called friends, there seem to be no problem at all. But now that I declared my love to Jesus, the world seems to hate me even more.

I knew I had to endure. I wasn't strong, but God gave me strength to surpass each hurtful blows of the enemy. I knew I was walking with Jesus.

Having to think about my old self now gives me shivers. I realized that it was indeed impossible for someone to change without the help of Jesus. I tried doing it once, it did not end well. Being sinful is like running backwards in a smooth path but while you're at it, light diminishes and then it slowly becomes darker along the way. It's a trick designed by Satan to deceive God's children into thinking that life is even better without God.

I am deeply amazed that God's love never ends. No matter how hard you put on a calloused heart in front of the Lord, He can always find ways to heal every scar that binds you. It's an endless and unfathomable forgiveness.

All rights reserved © Shiya Tamasao 2015
October 26, 2015