"To be or not to be,
I wonder where you'd be?
I stood waiting in a shallow hall,
One candle lit while cherry blossoms fall.
A pink reflection of once vague dream,
A white long gown dressed for the evening.
There you were smiling at me,
An opaque image of a man so sweet…
Never did I imagine your voice so soft,
As you stare at me gently and said,
"My Love, you are a blessing to me.
A gift from God, a wonderful treasure indeed,
I will love you, I will keep you safe.
You are mine and I am forever yours."
I see you from a distance oh beautiful stranger,
Few years from now I’ll see your face.
I am not in haste; I will be patiently waiting.
Soon I will see you so true and so clear.”
-Shiya Tamasao
Never in my wildest dream would I someday trance on my wedding day. I am gamophobic (I am still in the process of overcoming such phobia) and it doesn’t make sense to me. I dreamed about the same fantasy way back in college (6 years ago). And to be able to remember the same reverie was like a memory longed forgotten. Something that I have kept hidden in the subconscious part of my brain (I hope that sounded right).
Anyway, being a gamophobic is not easy. I sometimes find myself hating men just to stay away from possible relationship that would soon lead to marriage. Which is quite eccentric to say the least thus my best approach to possible admirers is a faint smile and a direct, “Friend zone” status to keep everything ordinary. A year ago, I used to think that courting and marriage are scary because too much expectation from the other person could lead to mental breakdown (depression, tension and constant freakiness) and heart failure (heart aches). Seriously, keeping someone for the sake of love is quite tiring (I think). People get tired and weary.
However, as I start to focus more on God, I realized that there are no perfect relationships after all. That is why it is important to center our attention in Jesus and not to others because people will always fail us but God never will.
One faithful night, I dreamed about getting married. I found myself walking down the aisle while tears brimming on my face. I didn't understand why I was crying but as I was approaching the altar, I knew I was happy.
It was more than just a dream. I believe it was a vision. Something that God alone can give to me if I wait patiently. Nonetheless, my fear never leaves me sometimes and I am constantly praying that it would end soon. But God is indeed faithful and good. My past hurts are slowly but surely healing. The fear of entering such commitment still can be bothersome but I learned to trust my faithful Father on the process. Even if the road can be quite sloppy and exhausting, only He can turn the madness into beauty.
BEHIND every doubt…
When I was very young, I was deliberately molested and raped by two of the pastor’s son. Ever since, my trust among the opposite sex grew into resentment and loathing. I kept it inside me for many years. I never told my family or my closest friend about it. It was the most agonizing and distressing memories I had. I was heartbroken. The only comfort I had was Jesus. Yet even so, my heart became calloused. The world was a battleground and boys/men were definitely one of my foes.
I wanted to tell my mom or perhaps my closest friend about it, but fear griped me. And questions like, “Will they believe me? Or what will they think of me, or what if they hate me?” prevented me from sharing such tragedy.
Yes, I was very young when it happened. Yet the memories and the discomfort, was still fresh to me. I couldn’t help but think of it every day, sometimes, I also dreamed about it.
I tried to commit suicide. I tried going rogue, I tried rebelling, I tried… I tried to go zigzag but God always places me on a straight line. He never fails to remind me that I am loved and He will take care of me. And I held on to that promise up to this very moment. I knew I am safe as long as I have Him.
When a good GOD allows rape
One faithful day, a good friend confessed that she was gang raped. I was downhearted when she narrated the story to me. I knew from that moment that what others meant for harm, God meant it for good. After so many years of not telling anyone about my deepest nightmare, I was able to share the same experience to my friend who was also very young when it happened to her. I knew I had to share God’s saving and healing power. I shared to her my experience and how I cope with it. I told her my struggles, my pain and how God rescued me to such dreadful experience. I believe it’s not going to be easy for her and I am constantly praying for healing. After our heart-to-heart talk, I gave her a book entitled, “When a good God allows rape” by Joy Mendoza. Hoping and praying that it will somehow help her cope with the confusion.
COMPASSION
Forgiving the people who took advantage of me was not easy but by God’s grace, I learned to forgive them. Thus, I am constantly reminded of my need for forgiveness because of Jesus Christ.
God’s Bonus
So, “Where do I go from here?” Well, I know exactly where and that is beside my first love which is Jesus Christ. As of now, I believe God is at work and He is constantly molding me to become a godly woman. If He is to consider giving me a husband in the future, may it all be according to His will and glory. While waiting, I might as well enjoy God’s gift of singleness and be an inspiration to all the single princesses out there.
“Everything I am, everything I have and everything that I will be is for your glory, Jesus Christ.”-Tshiya
All Rights Reserved © Shiya Tamasao 2017
February 9, 2017
