BEAUTIFUL STRANGER
"To
be or not to be,
I wonder
where you'd be?
I stood
waiting in a shallow hall,
One
candle lit while cherry blossoms fall.
A pink
reflection of once vague dream,
A white
long gown dressed for the evening.
There you
were smiling at me,
An opaque
image of a man so sweet…
Never did
I imagine your voice so soft,
As you stare
at me gently and said,
"My Love, you are a
blessing to me.
A gift from God, a
wonderful treasure indeed,
I will love you, I will
keep you safe.
You are mine and I am
forever yours."
I see you from a distance oh beautiful
stranger,
Few years from now I’ll see your face.
I am not in haste; I will be patiently
waiting.
Soon I will see you so true and so clear.”
-Shiya
Tamasao
Never
in my wildest dream would I someday trance of my wedding day. I am gamophobic (I am still in the process of
overcoming such phobia) and it doesn’t make sense to me. I
dreamed about the same fantasy way back in college (5 years ago). And
to be able to remember the same reverie was like a memory longed forgotten. Something
that I have kept hidden in the subconscious part of my brain (I hope that sounded right).
Anyway,
being a gamophobic is not easy. I sometimes find myself hating men just to stay
away from possible relationship that would soon lead to marriage. Which is
quite eccentric to say the least thus my best approach to possible admirers is
a faint smile and a direct, “Friend zone” status
to keep everything ordinary. A year ago, I used to think that courting and marriage
are scary because too much expectation from the other person could lead to
mental breakdown (depression,
tension and constant freakiness) and
heart failure (heart
aches). Seriously, keeping someone for the sake of love is quite tiring (I think). People get tired and weary.
However,
as I start to focus more on God, I realized that there are no perfect
relationships after all. That is why it is important to center our attention in
Jesus and not to others because people will always fail us but God never will.
One faithful night, I dreamed about getting married. I found
myself walking down the aisle while tears brimming on my face. I didn't
understand why I was crying but as I was approaching the altar, I knew I was
happy.
It was more than just a dream. I
believe it was a vision. Something that God alone can give to me if I wait
patiently. Nonetheless, my fear never leaves me sometimes and I am constantly praying
that it would end soon. But God is indeed faithful and good. My past hurts are
slowly but surely healing. The fear of entering such commitment still can be
bothersome but I learned to trust my faithful Father on the process. Even if
the road can be quite sloppy and exhausting, only He can turn the madness into
beauty.
BEHIND every doubt…
When I was about five years old, I was deliberately molested and
raped by two of the pastor’s son. Ever since, my trust among the opposite sex
grew into resentment and loathing. I kept it inside me for
twenty-two years. I never told my family or my closest friend
about it. It was the most agonizing and distressing memories I had. I was heartbroken.
The only comfort I had was Jesus. Yet even so, my heart became calloused. The
world was a battleground and boys/men were definitely one of my foes.
I wanted to tell my mom or perhaps my closest friend about it, but
fear griped me. And questions like, “Will
they believe me? Or what will they think of me, or what if they hate me?” prevented
me from sharing such tragedy.
Yes, I was very young when it happened. Yet the memories and the discomfort,
was still fresh to me. I couldn’t help but think of it every day, sometimes, I
also dreamed about it.
I tried to commit suicide. I tried going rogue, I tried rebelling,
I tried… I
tried to go zigzag but God always places me on a straight line. He never
fails to remind me that I am loved and He will take care of me. And I held on
to that promise up to this very moment. I knew I am safe as long as I have Him.
When
a good GOD allows rape
One faithful day, my younger sister confessed that she was gang
raped. I was downhearted when she narrated the story to me. I knew from that
moment that what others meant for harm, God meant it for good. After
twenty-three years of not telling anyone about my deepest nightmare, I was able
to share the same experience to my little sister who was about thirteen years
old when it happened to her (she’s eighteen years old now). I knew I had to share God’s saving and healing
power. I shared to her my experience and how I cope with it. I told her my
struggles, my pain and how God rescued me to such dreadful experience. I
believe it’s not going to be easy for her and I am constantly praying for
healing. After our heart-to-heart talk, I bought her a book entitled, “When a good God allows rape” by Joy
Mendoza. Hoping and praying that it will somehow help her cope with the
confusion.
COMPASSION
Forgiving someone who has done wrong to you is not easy but by God’s
grace I learned to forgive those people who hurt me. Thus, I am constantly
reminded of my need for forgiveness because of Jesus Christ.
God’s Bonus
Some people might ask, “Where do I go from here?” Well, I
know exactly where and that is beside my first love which is Jesus Christ. As
of now, I believe God is at work and He is constantly molding me to become a
godly woman. If He is considering of giving me a husband in the future, may it
all be according to His will and glory. While waiting, I might as well enjoy
God’s gift of singleness and be an inspiration to all the single princesses out
there.
“Everything I am, everything I
have and everything that I will be is for your glory, Jesus Christ.”-Tshiya
All rights reserved © Shiya Tamasao 2017
February 9, 2017
