“I never realized I was slithering deep into the shadows until a static light struck me by surprise. To regard the strong urge to be alone made me fragile for three months. I became altered in various ways. The once happy person became mournful and the once faithful servant to the Lord became rebellious. I found myself wandering to the worldliness and daunting fallacy of restless glitches of life. I never thought that I’d be deceived into thinking that I was doing the right thing even if I wasn't.”
-Shiya Tamasao
A liar is caught by its actions and a liar was caught indeed. I was about an inch close to obliteration. It caught me totally unaware of the possible regret I might be facing in the near future. All the red lights were on, not a single green was glowing but my old nature took over mindlessly disregarding God’s big and bold warning sign saying, “WAIT!”
It was looking so good in the beginning. Like a perfectly wrapped birthday present full of unimaginable surprises. Thus, like a wolf dressed in a sheep’s clothing, the result was a big splat on my face. The once beautiful dream became a terrifying carousel of nightmare.
Who was who?
I bizarrely met this man who was about my age seven months ago. He was the typical unwanted guy you'd see in the movies. When every girl is crushing on someone else, you'd never take notice of him in the first gaze. He was like a surprise character in a book. His oddity may seem obscure, but the highlight of his hidden traits is furtive.
In my most honest opinion, he was never my type or the man I envisioned in my dreams. In crueler airs, “I never liked him”. I was convinced that everything he does is only for a show. He was never in scripture reading, he was not godly, he had vices, he could be so full of crap sometimes and he was annoyingly bigheaded if you let him talk all the more.
Despite his obvious flaws, I had always been praying for a clearer answer to God. “Who the heck is this man?” I asked a hundred times. But the Lord told me to be kind and loving to my fellowmen. So that’s exactly what I did. I was polite the whole time until I reached my boiling point and I just snapped. My exact words to him were, “I loathed you.” Surprisingly, I never imagined the man could be very sensitive. He cried.
After the incident, he continued to be mannerly which was a bit of annoyance to me. I knew he was only doing it to please me. I thought to myself that the game he was playing was cliché. He has the same pattern of wooing based on my experience with men who courted me. He said his intention was pure but his questionable meekness towards me was doubtful.
My heart was calloused yet I prayed to God for guidance. “What shall I do? I really don’t like him Lord.” This time, the only answer I got was silence. Then I remembered the two important laws in the Bible: To love God with all our heart, mind and soul and to love others as oneself.
So, I decided to invite him to church but I didn’t want to put high hopes in him. I knew exactly what he wants and he’s not going to last long like all my other suitors. Startlingly, he began attending church service and soon became a part of a ministry. When I thought he was earnest to want to know more about Jesus, that’s when I started liking him but only as a friend.
Mystery to Misery
So there I was blissfully telling this person I once hated how glad I was to reconsider him as a good friend. I was happy and he seemed happy. I thought all was perfect in God’s plan--or so I thought it was until…
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| A Wolf in a sheep's clothing. |
It was rapid and outright misleading, I found myself mourning, upset, confused and spiritually lost. “This was not what I prayed for,” I exclaimed. Ruthlessly, the once innocent and naïve child was tainted by unsolicited keenness by someone whom she thought was from God. I knew it was not love at all but deception. I felt like I was cuckolded by the devil itself.
How come of all people why him? Why does it have to be him? Him who lacks table manners, no etiquette, poor communication skills, who chew like a wild boar, has poor posture and very arrogant? Everything that I didn't want in a man, he has it all.
To accept the totality of a person is easy if I knew it was love or it was indeed from God but the pieces don’t seem to fit in his perfect design. The longings, the attachment and the desires were all worldly.
Nonetheless, I realized I was already judging the man about his dismal character which is wrong. I realized I was also to blame. I heard the Holy Spirit loud and clear in my heart few weeks after the incident that I must wait because he still has so much to prove. But I didn’t listen; I took matters in my own yearning.
It could be a fluke accident but it was not. The impairment has been done and there’s no point in accusing who is to blame.
Gratefully, the most sanctified directive of purity has been preserved.
The Aftermath
It is indeed true that God’s children are well protected by the Holy Spirit. When everything seemed like a puzzle and a torture to me, the Lord was faithful enough to give me the solution.
My family was the first to pull me from the nightmare. They told me how concerned they were and how they wanted me to come home and be myself again. They knew how different I became when I was away from them. My father whom I never thought cared spoke with utmost love and kindness. On that day forward, I knew I was in the wrong track.
And the person whom I learned to like was more of a frozen picture of solitary confinement. I wasn’t happy and he was dragging me to the abyss of worldliness. No wonder God told me to wait. He knew it wasn’t the right time.
Yet despite the gap and the brokenness, the man admitted his mistakes and was kind enough to ask for forgiveness. I sincerely accepted his apology thereby giving us more room for God in our lives.
This time, I’ll be bulletproof!
If the squat team wear bulletproof vest during an encounter with terrorist, I’ll be putting God’s armor (Ephesians 6:10-18) for protection all the time against the unseen enemies.
The Armor of God
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for the entire Lord’s people.
It is indeed mind-boggling when Satan uses other people to distract and confuse God’s children. I thought my faith was strong but I was incorrect. My lack of spiritual preparedness led me into failure and shame.
Temptation when taken lightly could damage every Christian’s heart to immorality. Thereby, it is essential to withstand temptation by constantly focusing our hearts and minds to Jesus.
Standing up and moving on
There was never any regret in my mind when I think about the past. It was more like a lesson learned than a mistake. I sure aspired for a godly relationship in the future but this time I will be wiser in every decision. I will not jump into conclusion without God’s guidance.
It’s easy to choose which man to marry but the question would be: Is he God’s best for me?
As women of God, it’s not enough to just select anyone we desire. It is also important to have the family’s consent and most outstandingly God’s approval as well.
I am still praying and patiently waiting for the right one. Thankfully, this isn't the end of my story. I believe the Lord has prepared someone for me; someone who is not only a pretend-Christian/church-goer but a godly man who will protect my integrity, cherish my dignity and love my family as well unconditionally.
All rights reserved © Shiya Tamasao 2014
